It's playing in the background, courtesy of Ben, my bleached-blonde fun-loving work little brother.
So yesterday I didn't daven mincha because of an afternoon meeting I had forgotten about. I did, however, learn with Yaakov, and I did spent a significant amount of time with Letters, which I found to be both intuitive and synchronous, so that was great. I was reading some back entries in my journal, old weird dreams, morning pages, and came across an entry that was virtually identical to yesterday's post. And it was March 21, 2006. Things spiral, right? I took it positively, that I'm waking up again, this time at a much better place than I was last year.
So three things for today:
1) daven and learn (should be regulars)
2) more Letters
3) clean for Pesach--always a cathartic experience
Also, while we're on the subject of lists, need to:
1) call my grandmother
2) call Roger about the seder
3) sort out my failure to appear for jury duty in Baltimore--I didn't even get the summons until a week after the date I needed to appear. I hope they don't arrest me at the airport or something. I immediately thought of
this cartoon by the genius
Emily Flake.
Now "Galileo" is playing and I'm missing Shana and those nights singing at the Shambergs' so much it hurts. So glad we're going back next week.
Enough. Enough already. Enough spiritual and physical malaise. Enough sickness and infection, literal and figurative. The antibiotics are supposedly working and my body is on its way to healing, now it's time to finally, at long last focus on my soul. It's been in hibernation, maybe even a coma, for who knows how long but definitely during this winter. Yaakov thinks it's since I graduated from college, since I stopped being constantly intellectually/creatively stimulated. But that was two years ago, and it's pretty sad that I wouldn't have found any other stimulation since. I think I've felt lostin the universe, wanting to dare to disturb but not ever sure of my voice, not ever comfortable in my skin. This is why I've started and quit countless endeavors that would be spiritually/physically/creatively productive, because I don't really believe in myself, and of course there's the added lethargy that comes with depression.
But I'm so, so sick of this. So sick of always making excuses, always doing things half-assed, never doing what I want because of some stupid subconscious fear. So if I want to change, and not just wait on the world to change (that song happens to be playing in the background right now), I think what I need to do is open myself up to the universe. Which sounds corny and vague, yes, but I plan to do it in small ways, to do three spiritually constructive things a day, that I will try to record here to keep myself consistent. I've felt so disconnected for so long, walking through a haze and just existing, not really living, not living into an iota of the greatness I feel I was created to create, that we all were created to discover. But I can create my own reality, I've always believed that, and so now is the time, starting small, starting in my own committed way. Now that it's Nisan and things are beginning to bloom all around me, I feel that it's about damn time for a personal wake-up.
Three Things for Wednesday, March 21:
~ daven mincha
~ learn with Yaakov tonight
~ read
Letters to a Young ArtistStarting small, but there's no shame in that. Starting with the fundamentals. Wish me luck.
