Deityblog

Maybe it's an ego thing, or a result of being a child of the 80's, but I've always believed that I was meant to do something big with my life. Have a major impact, do something truly great. Found an organization, fight for human rights and social justice, change the world. I think a lot of people believe this and lose it somewhere down the line in the face of practicality, complacency, and for some, fear. That's what I'm experiencing, anyway.

I have a great life. Love my job; it's interesting work for great causes with some very fun people. Love my home, my friends, my hobbies, my husband. But somehow, with the exception of the husband and friends, who are all wonderful, it's not enough. I don't feel like I'm contributing to the world at the level I want to be, or learning from the world in fundamental, essential ways. I don't want to lead a life of quiet desperation. I've had spiritual "awakenings" and deep epiphanies in my life that would suggest something greater.

And to clarify, I don't believe that I'm somehow superior to anyone else or that I alone can change the world. What I believe is that every single person can and should live their dreams, that the phrase "only human" is a grave distortion of our staggeringly great potential as human beings to channel God into this world and be the change we want to see in it.

I have yet to find, or it has yet to be revealed to me, my personal tafkid in this world, this life. As Yishai says, not using one's talents is like spitting in God's face. I have some thoughts, but a combination of the aforementioned hang-ups have kept me from pursuing these ideas thus far. For now, I'm plugging away at work, supporting Yaakov in rabbinical school so that he can fulfill his dream of being a master Jewish educator. I'm very inspired by his dedication and by the fact that he knows what he wants to do and is damn good at it. In about two years from now, he'll have smicha and it will be time, if I so desire, for him to work while supporting me in my next step. Obviously I don't have to make this decision right now, but it's been coursing through my head constantly and I'm torn between two options that may or may not define the rest of my life.

Basically, it comes down to the following, with pros and cons that are pretty much based on preconceptions that are probably far from reality, but oh well:

~ Human rights law. Ever since I took a class in International Human Rights Law in college, I've wanted to be a human rights lawyer.

PROS: I could be damn good at this, I have the passion, energy and with years of training will have the skills and knowledge to be of assistance to victims of serious human rights violations, in the context of an international body such as the ICC or a human rights organization.

CONS/ FEARS: I could bury myself in three years of law school and come out totally burned out and no longer have the energy to do human rights law, and instead work at a desk for some firm to pay off years of debt. I could also do very well and get a job in international law that will basically mean I'm absent from the lives of my husband and (future) children.

WHAT IT WOULD ENTAIL: Depends on whether I decide to go in Israel or the US. I honestly don't know if I have the strength to go to law school in Israel; it's hard enough without the language gaps, even if I bone up hardcore on my Hebrew in the coming years. So then first, this would entail returning to the States for 3 years (But that's okay, Yaakov and I have discussed the possibility of going to the US for awhile so that our (future) children will have a few years to develop relationships with their grandparents). Oh right, and taking the LSAT. If there's math on the LSAT, I'm screwed and this discussion is already over.

~ Theater. Since I was 7 I've been doing theater in a variety of companies. I've acted, directed, ran a teen theater company and co-founded another company in Baltimore.

PROS: Living out my dream; I love acting and just about everything involved with theater (exceptions: musical theater that takes itself too seriously, David fucking Mamet, Cats, and those ridiculous shows they're making now based on rock stars' greatest hits. Kill me.). I would be committed to doing theater that would impact peoples' lives fundamentally; pieces that challenge, provoke, inspire. I would do theater for social change, I would act and eventually found a company, perhaps in Israel, devoted to theater for social change. Hmm, that's actually a really good idea I just had -- a Living Stage-esque English-speaking theater company in Israel. To the best of my knowledge nothing like this exists here.

CONS: Would have no idea where to start. Would need serious training -- could I get that in Israel? I mean, I don't even really know if I'm any good, I just know it's what I love to do and that I find serious meaning in it, even spirituality, in bringing human stories to life.
Other major con -- would I be able to be financially stable in this field? That's a big, serious practical worry that it's easy to dismiss in the name of carpe diem, but hits you in the ass when the rent bill comes along.

WHAT IT WOULD ENTAIL: Finding a teacher, finding a partner or two, finding a space. Hell, I'd start right now, as a night-job, if I could. Why can't I? Try it out with a few people, at night, for the next couple of years, and see where it goes.

I need to go write to some people.

Thanks for listening!