Deityblog

It's for an upcoming one-page play festival that I'm doing some directing, acting, and apparently writing for.

A Match Made in…..
A girl a guy sit side by side facing the audience. Halfway through, they turn to one another.

GUY: So I’m back in town for a few days, and my mom tells me about this girl she wants me to go out with. Such a Jewish mom, always trying to set me up, but whatever, she means well. So this girl sounds good, she’s about my age—23, which is a little young to start dating seriously, in my opinion, but whatever. My mom says she’s religious. Hey, that’s fine. We can go to shul and light candles on Friday night. It’ll be nice. You can get kosher Taco Bell, right?
GIRL: Everyone seems to think that because I’m 23 and not married, it’s never going to happen. Apparently I’m “damaged goods.” They tell me about this guy who’s a bit modern, but nice and relatives with a good family. Whatever, fine, I said, I’ll go if it’ll make you stop talking about how hopelessly single I am.
GUY: So I call her up, and she sounds nice on the phone. She wants to meet me in the lobby of some hotel. This seems a little forward to me, especially for a religious girl, but hey, I’m going to say no?
GIRL: We meet at the hotel, and he tries to throw me off by offering to shake hands. So he’s got a good sense of humor.
GUY: When she comes in, she totally blows off my handshake, which was weird. But I can tell from the start this girl is pure class. With those pointy shoes and everything. (turns to her) So, what do you do?
GIRL: I’m an occupational therapist. But I’d be willing to stay at home for a few years when the kids are young.
GUY: Okay, whoa, a little too much information there.
GIRL: So, where did you go in Israel?
GUY: Israel? Oh, that was fun. I went a few years ago, did the usual stuff…Masada, the Western Wall, the Dead Sea. Did you go to Israel too?
GIRL: Yeah. Michlala. (to audience) I liked how he kept joking, showing the hypocrisy of the high-powered shidduch system. I hope he didn’t think I was being totally nerdy.
GUY: So, um…
GIRL: I think you should know that I don’t wear denim skirts.
GUY: Excuse me?
GIRL: Yeah. They’re just too modern for me. So tell me--what about movies?
GUY: Personally, I’m a big fan of the Rocky series. But then, there’s also Lord of the Rings. And Spaceballs! Come on, tell me you don’t like Spaceballs.
(awkward pause)
GIRL: Well, I guess that answers my question.
GUY: So….you want to….head upstairs?
GIRL: What’s upstairs?
GUY: You tell me—it was your idea to meet here.
GIRL: What are you saying?
GUY: What? Nothing. I just thought--(gestures upstairs, turns head, we can see he’s not wearing a kipah. GIRL gasps audibly.)
GIRL: You—you’re not—
GUY: What? What did I say?
GIRL: You’re not frum!
GUY: From where?
GIRL (starts to cry): Oh, I just can’t believe this.
GUY: No, don’t cry. I’m really sorry, I just don’t know what I did.
GIRL: It’s nothing personal. I just can’t believe they thought I would want to marry you. I need to leave—now.
GUY: Marry me? Whoa, hold on a minute there. Who said anything about marriage? What the hell is going on? I gotta get out of here. Is this how you religious people do things? Marriage on the first date?
GIRL: Is this how you people do things? “Going upstairs”?? Jerk!
GUY: Psycho!
GIRL: I’m leaving!
GUY: Have a nice life!

(They both turn and stomp toward the exits, then pause and turn.)

GUY: So, I’ll call you?
GIRL: I’d like that.


END.